This past weekend I got to see a side of a friend I’m not sure I’ll ever get to see again. I’m completely saddened by this. His behavior elsewhere and around a person is just… so different. He was happy, beaming with positiveness at times. Goofing off, not even minding that I clung to him against the cold and windiness of Seaside (I honestly had to, Seaside sucks in winter)…. my parents liked him, my godmother liked him (she even remarked today how funny he was)…
But I’m curious if I’ll ever see that side of him again.
He’s so sad….
Today, I nearly cried in front of someone I’m just getting to know because he asked how I was doing.
I got really depressed Monday and ran away from PCC and debated pond vs car. Tuesday was ok, but everyday after sucked.
In fact, it got so bad I’m scheduled to see a psychologist next Mon.
Saturday I went roller skating with the church and fell twice, the last time I couldn’t open my hand for a half hour.
So I got an x-ray today and I’ve messed up my wrist. I feel SHITTY about this because we have a 1k deductible for my insurance. I’m the only one insured in this house, and we don’t have the 1k right this moment.
On top of this apparently this might be so screwed I might need surgery.
I recently found out that via report of a brain scan 12… TWELVE fucking years ago, my mom’s brain functioning is decreasing. Ok, so add 12 years to this. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to have my mother. Along with this my chronic depression, failing classes, my attachment issues, the reason I hate life contacting me again……
I don’t know why I’m still running.
Fuck life. Fuck people.