This past weekend I got to see a side of a friend I’m not sure I’ll ever get to see again. I’m completely saddened by this. His behavior elsewhere and around a person is just… so different. He was happy, beaming with positiveness at times. Goofing off, not even minding that I clung to him against the cold and windiness of Seaside (I honestly had to, Seaside sucks in winter)…. my parents liked him, my godmother liked him (she even remarked today how funny he was)… But I’m curious if I’ll ever see that side of him again. He’s so sad….
Today, I nearly cried in front of someone I’m just getting to know because he asked how I was doing. I got really depressed Monday and ran away from PCC and debated pond vs car. Tuesday was ok, but everyday after sucked. In fact, it got so bad I’m scheduled to see a psychologist next Mon. Saturday I went roller skating with the church and fell twice, the last time I couldn’t open my hand for a half hour. So I got an x-ray today and I’ve messed up my wrist. I feel SHITTY about this because we have a 1k deductible for my insurance. I’m the only one insured in this house, and we don’t have the 1k right this moment. On top of this apparently this might be so screwed I might need surgery. I recently found out that via report of a brain scan 12… TWELVE fucking years ago, my mom’s brain functioning is decreasing. Ok, so add 12 years to this. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to have my mother. Along with this my chronic depression, failing classes, my attachment issues, the reason I hate life contacting me again…… I don’t know why I’m still running.
I feel all alone. With crowds of people watching me, or just a group of friends, even one on one; I feel alone. Detached. There is something critical missing. What is it? Don’t even try to tell me it’s god. Even faith in god never filled the loneliness.
Why is it so hard to simply explain to your parents that you can’t even focus on the future while you’re focused on how depressed you are? We fear involvement. We do not wish to have our lives tampered with. We know we have done bad things here and there and don’t need outside voices chastising us when we already do it ourselves. If we are already depressed why make it worse? Suicidal individuals can hardly stand criticism on a good day. Don’t push more.
I’ve come to realize that I look at things with a bleak filter. I can’t see happiness as simply that, happiness. I have to look at all the bad things hiding in the shadows. I have to acknowledge every little sin that goes into something good. I can’t see me relaxing any time in the future. I’m always being pushed - we’re always being pushed - to reach our full potential, to do better than the other guy, to go to the extremes to reach your dreams. Relaxing even for a moment puts you into labels. You’re too lazy, you’re rich and stuck up, you have no motivation… forget actually needing a break from life for a day. Spas charge outrageous amounts for a day of relaxation, yet the rich housewives check in monthly because they’re so tired from watching the maid do the dishes…. Forget having a horrid emotional life from ninth grade on. “Deal with it.” “Grow up.” As I’m writing this I’m not even relaxed. I’m stressed and waiting to be yelled at over nothing. Or to be found out on some random thing. All I can see is the negatives and I can never see the positives. Taking the pills to make me happy only results in my mind fighting back the chemicals in a stubborn haze. This happens with all drugs. I fight them. I don’t even mean to. I just do…